Whether you’ve seen Krrish 3 or not, you haven’t seen it this way
Wait, where’s Krrish 2? Also, Vivek Oberoi still works in Bollywood? Was I in a coma for the past few years?
After suffering 152 minutes (the run-time of the film) of intense pain, I have come to the conclusion that my editor hates me. Why else would she put me through the pain that I had managed to escape back when the movie had actually released?
Anyway, for the entertainment of all the parents who were forced to watch the movie because of their kids and the lucky souls who escaped the ordeal; here, I decode Krrish 3-the Indian superhero who makes Superman look like KRK.
The movie begins with a flashback where we are filled in about the prequels which are NOT called Krrish 1 and 2, by the way. So, Hrithik Roshan (Rohit) who plays Hrithik Roshan’s (Krrish) father is still alive and extremely annoying, just like he was in the first movie. Priyanka Chopra (Priya) is Krishna aka Krrish’s wife who is best known for trying to wear lipstick in a moving car while driving her scientist father-in-law and superhero hubby off to work.
Krrish does odd jobs and always gets kicked out of them because he has 6 fingers and they come in the way of everything he tries to do. Loljk, I don’t really care for the reason, and you shouldn’t either. Point is, he is lousy at his day jobs but a badass when it comes to wearing that oversized black robe and mask and save the country in this heat.
While he gets fired from his latest job, the TV news says there’s this random plane with lots of passengers in it whose front wheel isn’t working, so it’s gonna crash. Naturally, Krrish the flying mechanic rushes to the rescue.
The panicked passengers are like…
Meanwhile, our studmuffin jumps and stretches the front wheel much like the wannabe models at Lokhandwala’s Gold’s Gym would do, while working on their biceps.
While our guy is pulling such aww-worthy impossible stunts, something awful is happening in another part of the world–Namibia. Some deadly virus has attacked the people of Namibia and now people there are dying by the dozens.
Enter Kaya. Much like the girls in the skincare clinic’s ad, pretty girl is all smooth skin and drool-worthy cleavage. But in reality she’s the product of Vivek Oberoi (Kaal) and a chameleon’s DNA. Yes, chameleon. I don’t even.
This chameleon mutant can assume any form she wants. So, she kills the director of the World Health Organisation, because obviously it is that easy in a Hindi movie to kill a person of that stature.
After some more such pointless stunts, we finally get to see Kaal-an evil genius whose makeup was done by the same guy who did the makeup for Shah Rukh in his death scene in Kal Ho Naa Ho. Anyway, evil genius is selfishly misusing his powers to spread fear, death and destruction across the world. Shocking stuff, this.
Krrish, meanwhile, continues with his superhero-ey stuff like saving the life of a little boy who was saving a little birdie (aww) and then gives long lecture to him about good, bad and stuff people like me don’t really care about.
And thanks to his sermons, he gets late for his day job and gets fired AGAIN. Yawn. Priya, who is a journalist with Aaj Tak (lol) announces on national TV that Krrish will be “off duty” from 11.30 PM tonight. Pure genius, this woman.
Unlike Batman, Spiderman, Superman and any other firang mans, notice how our Indian hero’s wife already knows his identity. This is India, any sort of secrecy is a direct insult on mymangalsutra and sindoor. So, YEAAAH.
And why does she make this announcement? Oh. Because, she’s throwing a “surprise” birthday party at 12 for her “husband”. Husband in quotes because they address each other as “Husband” and “Wife” all the time-because obviously, otherwise we would have thought of them as Lannister siblings who just do it all the time.
Once there, Priya tells her husband that she has like the best gift for him EVER. Obviously, since this is a Hindi film, that can only mean one thing-a baby! Naturally, he is ecstatic and does what any husband would do at this point-dance with his pregnant wife on an acoustically challenged version of Raghupati Raghav Rajaram.
Meanwhile, in Kaal’s ‘hood, they’re selling the antidote in Namibia like Parle-G and earning millions off it. But now he’s not satisfied with the millions, he wants billions. He can’t go to China because they would probably come up with a low-cost substitute of the antidote within hours. And so he turns to the next best option – hamara Bharat. 😦
The virus takes over Mumbai and people are dying.
But a deadly virus isn’t enough to stop Priya from calling in sick at work.
In the lab, Rohit finds out that it is the same virus that destroyed Namibia. You don’t say. Kaal’s team tells the Indian government that it will take them 10 days to make and send the antidote, which ticks our superhero off.
Rohit realises there’s something in Krrish and his blood that doesn’t let them get infected by the virus. So, he decides to make an antidote out of Krrish’s blood.
And, so Krrish flies off once again administering the antidote.
Kaal figures out that Rohit the Einstein has made the antidote for this killer virus and foiled his plans, which is impossible because the antidote needs Kaal’s blood as an ingredient. So, now he sends his minions to find out who else has his blood type.
Meanwhile in Mumbai, there’s a ceremony being held in the city thanking Krrish and Doctor Who for saving everyone from the virus attack.
Someone asks Rohit, “Aap jante ho Krrish ko?” to which he goes “Main maanta hoon Krrish ko. Hum sab mein Krrish hain.”
No bro. I think I’m good.
And then, they unveil a Krrish statue in the middle of the city.
And then, the UNTHINKABLE happens. People break into a perfectly choreographed impromptu dance performance. And the lyrics go – God, Allah aur Bhagwan, Ne banaya ek insaan. Crying.
While superhero and family are busy dancing, the minions ransack Rohit’s lab in search of clues. They then land up at Krrish’s house and try to kidnap daddy and the wifey. ZOMGodeshwar! But, Krrish arrives at the right time and fights them off. I have to admit, this is an awesome sight to behold because it involves a 20-feet long tongue and Kaya’s boobies.
After Krrish wins the fight (duhhh), Priya is taken to the hospital and loses her baby (which means there won’t be a third generation of Hrithik Roshan coming back to haunt us. Yipeee! But let’s not jinx it).
Priya wakes up at the hospital but OMG, it is not Priya… It is Kaya the chameleon!
The real Priya has been taken to Kaal’s den…
Kaya starts living as Priya and starts falling for Krrishu. Yeah, we totally didn’t see that coming. So much so that this sudden change in heart makes her take Krrish’s side and kill her partner – that Boomer tongue guy.
One ‘I love you’, one kiss (obviously, he thinks she is Priya) and some other BS later, cut to dream sequence song shot in Jordan.
Back from Jordan, Kaal gives Kaya a deadline of one more day to get information about the antidote from Krrish. Rohit leaves for Singapore the next day leaving Krrish and Kaya in Mumbai. Lovestruck Kaya decides not to break Krrish’s trust but Krrish finds out Kaya’s ugly truth. (Someone tell these guys that there are 25 other alphabets in English to name their characters with.)
So, Kaya tells Krrish his biwi and unborn baccha are safe. But Rohit has been kidnapped and is with Kaal now.
And then something bizarre happens. More bizarre than all the things that have happened upto this point, and that is saying something. Rohit tells Kaal that Dr Arya (Naseeruddin Shah fromKrrish) had made a baby out of Rohit’s DNA but the baby was born paralysed, so they abandoned him near an orphanage from where he was later adopted by a wealthy man. No points for guessing that the baccha was Kaal-which means technically Kaal ka baap is Rohit. Sheesh.
…aaaand here he comes!
And he starts fighting the baddies along with desi catwoman Kaya.
Kaya reunites the husband and wife. Sacrifice and all that, because she is a Hindi film side heroine, at the end of the day. Doesn’t matter if she is half chameleon or half unicorn.
Meanwhile, Kaal’s operation is successful with Rohit’s bone marrow and he is no longer paralysed.
And this is what Kaal turns into-a cross between some cheap imitation of Iron Man and an astronaut.
Kaal doesn’t take that dig lightly and attacks her.
And now, the two brothers-Krrish and Kaal face each other in one epic battle of Hogwarts where Kaal beats his broseph into pulp.
So, Kaal goes out and starts destroying the city-starting with Krrish’s statue. Talk about sibling rivalry. Gee.
He tells the flying (!!!) cameras and the citizens that he has killed Krrish and now he is looking for Priya. The sooner they bring Priya to him, the better for them.
Back in the Kaal den, Rohit does some jaadu tona in the name of science and gets Krrish back to life.
Priya comes and faces Kaal…
And while he is lost in his thoughts, this happens…
Epic battle of Hogwarts restarts.
And, we know he is going to keep this promise, because the movie ends with…
Congratulations Mr. Krishna, aapko beta hua hai
(Note: This post of mine was originally published in Yowoto on 8th July 2014)