At this juncture in my life, there is a clear demarcation of two kinds of people around me to bog me down and question myself. One is the “happily married/engaged/having babies/going for exotic honeymoons” lot. The other one is the “I’m single and I’m having the time of my life doing whatever I want” lot.
I, on the other hand, am not getting married anytime soon, even though I get frantic calls from home now and then, asking me to get hitched. My grandmother says in a hushed, almost sad tone, “Why don’t you find a good guy for yourself in Bombay? The internet (read: bharatmatrimony) has some nice matches.” The ‘rishtaas’ keep coming and going, ranging from IITians to Investment Bankers, while I bang my head on the wall and say ‘No’ for the n-th time.
Social Networking Sites have become the ‘high risk’ zone for me. Every morning I log in with bated breath, and zoop comes the notifications! ‘X married Z. Write on his timeline.’ ‘A got engaged with boy who lives in U.S and earns in dollars. Write on her wall.’ Then there are the dolled up pictures. Stunning brides, all of them. Red sindoor, laughter, pheras and smiling college friends flocking the pair, with everyone from college tagged in it.
That’s not all. There are the honeymoon pictures, that scream, ‘look, my rich hubby dearest took me to this exotic location and I shopped to my heart’s content yo!” Beaches and cocktails, pretty dresses and romantic poses adorn that never-ending album consisting of 250 pictures.
Still, this isn’t the worst. The worst is – ‘My son/ My daughter’ album. The cover pictures , the profile pictures get changed into a little baby’s photograph, who doesn’t even know F about Facebook, and couldn’t care less either.
I have written 1,686 ‘Congratulations’ on Facebook, wishing seemingly happy married/engaged couples in the past two years. And I continue to do so. It is worse when you are in a serious relationship at this age. With half of your classmates changing their Facebook name to ‘double surnames’, it is difficult to still have a boyfriend and not think about getting married.
We, on the other hand, think about which movie to watch next week, or which restaurant serves better biryani. The irony in this entire situation is the fact, that my man is a professional photographer. And, this, being the wedding season, he is busy zip-zap-zooming cross country, making newly weds pose and get clicked. Newly weds – Happy. He – Happy. Me – Frowning.
So, conversation these days go something like this.
He: Next week, I’m off to Delhi for another wedding shoot.
He: Sorry baby, can’t be with you during the weekend.
He: They are paying Rs (enter atrocious amount).
Me: Awesomesauce! You go, my man!
So, as my man goes about spreading happiness amongst other people, making them look their best during their most special day, I sit here painting my pretty toe nails and blog instead.
What scares me most, is the fact that all people around me are so sure about their life, like they have it all figured out already. Like, getting married is the last thing to do before the world ends in a couple of days. How can they be so sure of a husband, when I am still not sure every morning about what colour tee shirt to wear? How can they be sure of something as big as marriage, when I am not even sure of what to have for dinner today? We all were classmates. We learnt that the Earth is round, together. We learnt Algebra, together. But as far as learning THIS is concerned, I guess I will always remain the awkward back bencher.
I tried making an omelette the other night, thanks to late night hunger pangs, and it turned into a gooey, floaty, yucky liquid. I still think I am a witch and I can go to Hogwarts. I still go to Juhu beach and jump on the sand, till my head is dizzy and legs are sore. How can I get married? I will probably end up laughing when the pandit starts chanting those Sanskrit mantras.
My best friend once told me, with a straight face. “Dude, don’t worry, wear shoes beneath your saree. I am hundred percent sure, you are gonna run away from your own wedding, and I’m going to help you.”
“I will probably stay stoned through the entire process, so that it all looks dreamy and colourful, and like a Pink Floyd video. And then, the worst will be over,” I had said, with a grave expression.
We are together since our college days. I do want to get married someday. But, I don’t know when that day is. I mean, we still fight about which flavour popcorn to take. He wants Caramel, I want Cheese. We still fight about which song should play in the car. We still fight about the AC temperature. We are still children, right? Right.
My little sister with a happy scream, informs, “I am going to my best friend’s sister’s wedding and I am going to wear a saree!”
“That’s great,” I say.
“When will I wear a saree in my own sister’s wedding?,” she gulps and asks.
Like the sole purpose of me ending my entire life, is because, my little sister should wear a saree and look sexy for a day. I give her a nasty look. She shuts up.
The other day, my married friend from London calls me on Skype.
After the initial excitement and Hi-Hellos, I ask her how is married life.
She says, “It’s great!” and asks everybody’s favourite question to me, “So, when are you getting married?”
I start playing with my hair, and start to chew it after a point. I realise it isn’t looking so good, since I am on video, and she can see me.
So, I answer a meek, “I don’t know ya”
“Whyyyy?” she asks, with big eyes. Then she adds, “Go get married to some rich guy. Ask your dad to find one for you, and then come visit me in London!”
Again. Like the sole purpose of me ending my entire life, is because I need to visit my married friend in London once.
And, then there’s the ‘I’m single and ready to mingle and have one-night-stands’ lot. They proudly exclaim that they are having all the fun in the world, before getting hitched. I look at them with envy, because even though I am not married, I am not single either.
Whenever I get a frantic call from home, the conversation with him generally goes something like this.
Me: Another call. This guy is a rocket scientist.
Me: Works for NASA.
Me: So, what are you thinking?
He (cocky smile) : That, can he click a Profile Picture that will fetch you 100+ likes?
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.