Kill Me, Khan.

So, choreographer-turned-director Farah Khan makes her third Bollywood film, thinking that this will also be a box-office hit, like her two previous movies, packed with her usual dose of lame jokes and sad punchlines. But she forgets that this time there is no Shah Rukh Khan to save her tattered script, full of loopholes. Akshay Kumar struggles to make it work, but it is more like that kind of a struggle, where you try hard to patch up with your ex knowing fully well that he/she is a jerk and the relationship will never work out.

Tees Maar Khan can well be declared as the worst movie of 2010. The movie takes ‘inspiration’ from just too many things, starting from the cheerful conman of Oye Lucky Lucky Oye (though I would kill myself even before comparing TMK with the likes of Oye Lucky Lucky Oye), to Swades and Peepli Live (the indian village/villagers angle), to Dostana (the gay couple) and even a bit of Sleepy Hollow (with headless horse rider et al!).

Akshay Kumar plays the ‘international crime master’ Tees Maar Khan, who is hired by the Johri Brothers, to loot a running train, loaded with valuables worth crores. The special train has huge police protection and since the booty is in bulk, he hatches the plot of doing a fake film shoot in a village near the train tracks, and make the villagers loot the train instead, keeping them under the illusion that it is all part of the film shoot.

Akshay Khanna as the Oscar-craving superstar Atish Kapoor is roped in by Tees Maar Khan, as this film’s hero, and you keep wondering how he cannot look through the con, even though Tees Maar Khan shoots him with one hand-held camera, and makes him do long, one take shots. Khanna can’t do much with the shoddy script given to him by Farah Khan, so all he resorts to, is scream and get on to your nerves.

Raghu Ram and Rajiv Laxman as the twin Johri Brothers are nothing but lame. They will remind you of the characters from Tintin comics – Thompson n Thompson, only that they are not at all funny like them. You will see them mouthing dialogues in chorus and struggle to act, which can make you feel like getting inside the Roadies audition room, slap and ask them to get a grip on their lives first, before sorting other people’s.

I do not even want to talk about Katrina Kaif. She literally gives a headache with her irritating acting and accent. She plays the wannabe-film-actress cum girlfriend of Tees Maar Khan, who does over-the-top acting, in the film, inside the film. She should have just been herself, I felt like telling her. But no, she tried HARD to be ‘in the character’, and the result was this noisy, over-the-top, lousy character of Aniya Khan. You will feel like taking dollops of Veet cream and shave off her hair to shut her up.

Akshay Kumar and Farah Khan were probably the only two people who laughed at their own dumb dialogues, which does not guarantee even a smirk, forget a laughter. Every time anyone cracks a joke in the film, they start laughing on their own to prove that the joke IS funny, and you should laugh too, but all you can probably manage, is a straight face and a dirty stare. The concept of a fake film shooting to loot a running train was good enough, and with the right kind of treatment and execution, it COULD have turned into a gripping and interesting film. But Khan’s overconfidence showed in each frame. She should quickly realise that the same formula of a ‘film inside a film’ does NOT work every time, and if she carries on like this, going back to choreographing would be the best thing for her to do, this new year.

Song and dance sequences pop out of nowhere, every now and then, without much significance to what is going on. Apart from Sheila Ki Jawani, none of the songs stay with you after the movie. Katrina shakes her booty and draws the audience inside the theaters with that one song, and ‘cons’ people by giving them high expectations that there is ‘more’ to the film. Khan tries to use too many fixed formulas, and sadly none works, and she ends up being very sloppy.

By interval, you shift uncomfortably in your seat, and want to scream at Farah Khan, to kill you instead! Khan even goes to the extent of showing a literal Academy Awards function in the end, where Anil Kapoor comes and announces that Atish Kapoor has won the ‘Best Actor’ award this year for THAT fake movie (!!!). Just when, you would start feeling tizzy and clutch your seat from falling, thankfully the movie ends (with yet another song).

All in all, please stay away from Tees Maar Khan if you don’t want to feel lousy at the beginning of a new year. Forget ‘Tees’, it does not guarantee even three good laughs in the entire three hours.

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